I have dreamed of that day for the longest time. Now my dreams were coming true. Pregnant with my first child.
I instantly flocked to the bookstore to buy books on pregnancy. I started finding any site on the internet that was pregnancy related. I wanted to know everything I could about how to have a "perfect" pregnancy.
But what I read in books or on the net, could not prepare me for what was going to happen. April 30th, I began spotting. Scared to death, I instantly called the doctor. He told me to come and he would do an ultrasound. Tony and I went to see the doctor. He did an ultrasound. Within a second, he was able to pick up our babies little heartbeat. It was such a wonderful sight! To see this little flicker of light. The doctor said everything look ok. He measured our little peanut and I was right on track. Seven weeks, one day. I felt much better after seeing the heartbeat. The doctor sent me home and told me to take it easy.
But later that week, May 5th, I began spotting again. This time it was a little heavier. Again, I called the doctor. I spoke with the nurse and she told me to just relax, lay down on my left side with my feet raised and drink lots of water. I followed her rules and noticed that the spotting lessened by the next day. By the 7th, I had stopped spotting. I thought everything was fine.
But Tuesday (the 9th) morning, the spotting came back. It was very heavy and I was some bad cramps. I called Tony home from work because I was so scared. When he got home, he called my doctor's office for me. Spoke to the nurse and she told me to do the same thing she told me last time. She said that if I was miscarrying, there wasn't anything they could do for me. She got me an appointment for the next day.
Wednesday, the 10th, we went back to the doctors. He did another ultrasound. The second I looked at the screen, I knew we had lost our little peanut. There was no flickering heart. I was crushed. My little peanut had died 4 days after the first ultrasound. It took all the courage I had not to cry right then. I didn't want to cry in front of the doctor. When he left the room, so I could get dressed, Tony gave me a big hug and I let a few tears fall. But I quickly brushed them away and finished getting dressed. I wasn't going to cry because this wasn't happening to me. But unfortunately, I couldn't even make it to the elevator. I just lost it. Tony took me home and put me to bed.
The doctor had given me two options. I could either try to pass it naturally or I could have a D & C. He told me I didn't have to make the decision right then. Just to let him know when I did make it. After I got home and rested, I talked to my mom on the phone. She has been through a miscarriage and several D & C's before. She recommended I go ahead and have the D & C. And I agreed with her. Who knew when I would pass the baby on my own. It could be that night. It could be the next day. It could be weeks from then. I couldn't wait. We tried calling the doctor to let him know. But his office was already closed for the day. We had to wait till the morning to call.
What a horrible night that was! I couldn't sleep at all thinking about my lost angel. And I was beginning to cramp so bad that I couldn't find any position that I was comfortable in. First thing in the morning, Tony called the doctor's office. They were able to get me into the hospital's same day surgery schedule for that afternoon.
I was scared out of my mind. Thank god Tony was there with me. Holding my hand till they took me back. The surgery went well and I was able to go home later that day.
I felt so empty after the surgery. I was terribly sad. I don't even know how many tears I shed. I was so mad. I was mad at the doctor for not being able to stop the miscarriage. I was mad at pregnant women, because they still had their babies growing inside them. I was mad at women who had babies. It just wasn't fair! But worst of all, I was mad at myself. I felt like I was to blame for the miscarriage. I felt there was something I could have done, or not done, to change everything. I know now that I am not to blame. The timing just wasn't right for my little angel to join us in this world.
But I know that my little angel is in heaven, looking down on me, protecting me. I know that someday, I will have another angel. But this time, it will be one that I can hold in my arms.
Here is a poem I found. Thought it pretty much says it all.
GOD'S LITTLEST ANGEL
Mommy and Daddy don't cry for me.
To walk the earth was not meant to be.
I'm in God's house you see.
I watch over you every day.
I know that you love me in a very special way.
You wanted me to be healthy and whole,
So you had to let me go.
You will get to see me every day
As you look at the children who past your way.
I may be the little boy with the dimple in his chin
Or the little girl with the golden curl.
You will know what you did is right because
When you look in the sky on a clear star filled night,
I will be the star that is shining so bright.
I love you Mommy and Daddy good night.
~Alfred Lang
Mommy and Daddy don't cry for me.
To walk the earth was not meant to be.
I'm in God's house you see.
I watch over you every day.
I know that you love me in a very special way.
You wanted me to be healthy and whole,
So you had to let me go.
You will get to see me every day
As you look at the children who past your way.
I may be the little boy with the dimple in his chin
Or the little girl with the golden curl.
You will know what you did is right because
When you look in the sky on a clear star filled night,
I will be the star that is shining so bright.
I love you Mommy and Daddy good night.
~Alfred Lang
